How To Be A Good, Law Of Attraction-Savvy Friend
Over the last three weeks, I’ve developed an enjoyable pen pal relationship with a woman from Italy whom I met via Facebook. After exchanging just a few get-to-know-you notes, this woman and I discovered we have much in common both in our current, what is situations, and in what we desire to have in our lives.
Our communications have been a big pick-me-up to both of us. I am so grateful to have attracted into my life this person who shares with me so many wonderful visions of the future, and who offers so much support. I’m pleased also because the relationship grew from the contrast I’ve experienced regarding friends’ actions/comments over the last, challenging year.
Which brings me to the question of the day:
When a friend is struggling with a big problem, how can you help?
Here are a few Don’ts and Dos that provide a law of attraction-savvy framework for “being there” with a friend in need:
Don’t Put A Puny Link In The Chain of Pain
Puny “chain of pain” links are comments that put a focus on your or someone else’s problems and add to the already negative vibration of your friend’s situation. I call these links puny because they’re often references to past problems that shouldn’t be reactivated or some stranger’s troubles that shouldn’t be brought into play, or worse still, a reference to your own problem that is minor in comparison to your friend’s trouble.
These links come in two general forms:
1. The “Oh, I know what you mean” Link
A friend tearfully tells you about her recent break-up with her boyfriend, and you say, “Oh, I know what you mean. When X dumped me, I was miserable.”
A loved one is in a bad accident and breaks a leg. You say, “Oh, I know how much pain you must be in. When I broke my X, I went through …..”
You do the same thing when you share horror stories about other people: Your friend says that her business is struggling, and you say that your cousin’s husband’s aunt’s best friend lost her business and is being sued by a former employee.
We think that by letting our friend know that we “understand his/her pain,” or that he or she “is not alone,” we’re helping. But we’re not. All we’re doing is helping attract more of the same.
2. The “I’m caught up in my own problems” Link
This link is even more insidious, and thoughtless, than the “I know what you mean” link in the chain of pain.
Your friend is struggling with such severe financial issues that he’s facing possible foreclosure on his house, and after you listen to him, you start talking about your own concerns: “I’m so disappointed I didn’t get my raise. Now we can’t afford the vacation we wanted.”
Your friend’s husband just told her he wants a divorce. You listen, and a few minutes later, you say, “My husband is driving me nuts. He won’t pick up his socks.”
These sorts of comments made to people with severe problems come under the heading of “Say what?”
I have been amazed in the last few months how often people have added this “I’m caught up on my own problems” link to my own chain of pain. Call me selfish, but I don’t care if you’re having trouble affording buying some new gadget or other acquisition. I’m wondering how I’m going to pay my mortgage. Keep your money issues to yourself.
This link is not only callous (whether intentional or not), it’s also like the “I know what you mean” link—it amplifies the frequency of what isn’t wanted.
Do Trump With The Triumph Card
Instead of adding to your friend’s chain of pain, you can inspire your friend to look toward solutions by sharing stories of triumph. A few years ago, an acquaintance who was going through divorce told me she felt like her life was over. She said she felt like a failure. I told her that my own divorce was a doorway to huge improvements in my life on many levels, and I told her that now I’m in a marriage that’s 100 times better than the one I was so upset about losing 15 years ago. This triumph allowed her to find a better feeling thought about her situation.
Stories of triumph, whether they’re yours or someone else’s create a jumping off platform that can lead to thoughts of what is wanted instead of the unpleasant current circumstances.
Don’t Add Dirt To The Mountain
Adding dirt can happen in two ways:
1. Your friend has a big problem, and you bring up some minor issue between you.
A few months ago, a friend who was aware of what I had on my plate brought to my attention a comparatively minor problem we shared. It was the sort of problem that, if ignored, would have resolved itself and been a non-issue, but she felt compelled to make a big deal out of it.
When your friend already has a big deal in front of him, he doesn’t need you to create a big deal out of a little deal.
2. Your friend has a real problem, and you pass along an awareness of other possible troubles.
I’ve been amazed by the number of e-mails I’ve received from friends that have warned me of plants that could poison my dog, ways my identity could be stolen, and diseases I could pick up if I left my house and had the audacity to breathe in and out.
News flash: I’m looking for a solution to a current negative what is. I don’t need to add to that concerns about possible negative experiences.
Do Use Contrast To Create Positive Focus
Your friends’ problems can be excellent contrast to remind you to turn your own focus in a relentlessly positive direction. If you’re worrying over small things, just take a gander at your friend’s big thing, and use it as incentive to become a Pollyanna. Staying in this positive mode benefits both you and your friend.
Don’t Point Out The Obvious
Trust me when I tell you that your friend with the big problem has thought of pretty much every worse case scenario that exists. You don’t help by listing those for her.
Your friend with cancer doesn’t need to be warned that it will spread if she doesn’t act fast. Your friend being sued doesn’t need to be told that if she doesn’t answer the compliant she’ll be in default.
I was blown away when a friend said to me, months ago, “You might have to file for bankruptcy.” At the time, I hadn’t entertained that notion. I didn’t need a friend to plant a negative seed.
Do Offer Useful Information
Panicked hand-waving isn’t useful, but a helping hand is. If you have a book or a website link or some other resource that can help your friend, offer it. This is solution oriented. It’s movement in a positive direction.
Last week, my friend, Nancy, took time to give me and Tim some inside information about a part time job he’d applied for. She suggested ways he could play up his strengths to fit the position. We don’t know yet whether he got the job, but thanks to her, the interview went great.
Don’t Abandon
Some people find struggle so challenging to be around that they just disappear. Friends I used to communicate with regularly have fallen out of my life in the last year.
One such friend who I ran into one day admitted to me that even though I didn’t talk to her about what was going on, she knew about it and it made her uncomfortable. It was easier for her to stay away.
Unless your friend in trouble is dragging you down by refusing to look for positive aspects or ways to pivot to better feeling thoughts, you do your friend no favors by leaving him or her to face her situation alone. Friends stand by friends who are struggling.
Do Energize
You can do a struggling friend a ton of good with very little effort if you keep one important word in mind: FUN.
Look for ways to bring fun into your friend’s life. Send funny cards. If you live nearby, suggest fun outings. Get together with the intention of singing silly songs or telling funny stories. If you can afford it, give your friend fun gifts.
If your friend’s troubles are money-oriented, and you have the means, give your friend experiences he or she can’t afford now. Take him or her out to dinner or to a movie or sporting event or whatever else he or she might enjoy.
A month ago, one of my dear friends sent me a “care package” that contained drawing pencils, a book on drawing comic figures, and a gift card for a nearby restaurant. Her note said that she knows what I need is buckets of money but in the meantime, she thought this might help with my vibration. Yes! It sure did. And that’s much more important than buckets of money.
Don’t Wallow With
Some people think that if you refuse to listen to your friend talk about his or her problems, you’re being callous. You’re not. Talking for hours about what’s wrong is not helping your friend, and it’s not doing you any good either.
Commiserating isn’t being kind. It’s creating more bad stuff. Your friend doesn’t need pity or sympathy. She doesn’t need to hear, “I feel so bad for you.”
She needs caring, but that caring must come with a focus on what’s desired, not on what is.
Do Leap With
Instead of inviting your friend to cry on your shoulder, invite him or her to share a vision of what’s wanted. Get creative about spinning desired scenarios. Ask your friend to tell you about his idea of a perfect day. Ask your friend to tell you about what she’d do with tons of money. Ask your friend to describe the perfect relationship.
A decade ago, when I started to cry on a friend’s shoulder about a break-up, she did me a HUGE favor by refusing to allow it. She said, “Why don’t you make a list of everything you want in a man?” That list led me to Tim.
Much of what we’ve been taught about being a good friend hurts more than it helps. When you offer your love and support with the law of attraction in mind, you can be the kind of friend who can truly help.
Related Posts:
How To Get Something You Do Want
Asking For Help From The Universal Manager
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Photo by Scarleth White on Flickr.
Tags: how to be a good friend, how to help a friend, Law of Attraction, positive aspects, positive focus
August 1st, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Good stuff Ande,
Everything you write is good whether you are happy or sad or whatevery. I look forward to buying and reading your best selling novel someday. I can picture going into Barnes and Noble and asking the attendant for a copy and her coming and giving me one and when I hold it in my hand, thinking about what I just wrote here and smiling…
August 1st, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Thanks, Greg. I love that picture!!!
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:41 am
I’m agree wholeheartedly with Greg and his nifty B&N vision. And I concur with what you’ve written, Ande.
I recall that my very first experience with someone who refused to commiserate with me was decades ago when I met a fella to date through a Christian penpal club. Upon our first encounter, I started sharing my litany of horrible experiences with my previous husband. This fella stopped my in my tracks and asked, “What was good about the marriage?”
I was dumbstruck. Couldn’t he know from what I’d just told him that there was NOTHING good about the marriage?
Haha — so long ago. I’m so glad I wised up over the years (but of course there’s always room for improvement.)
Gently encouraging a friend to focus on what was good about a past situation can be a help — but if that’s too much of a stretch, it’s great to help them focus on what they want in the future, just as your friend did, Ande, about the kind of partner you wanted to attract.
It’s all about mental focus, and it’s so worthwhile to gently remind, nudge, and re-direct when possible.
Karen Williams´s last blog ..What About Guilt
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:30 am
Yes, you’re so right, Karen, about encouraging a friend to find positive aspects. I do that daily with my mother, whose favorite word is “horrible.” LOL It has gotten to be a joke with Tim and I. My mother finds a piece of trash in the street “horrible.” So I am telling Tim about something that happened–something totally neutral or good and Tim says, “Was it horrible?” And we laugh. Turning that into humor has made it much more relaxing and easy to listen to my mother. I also regularly ask her, “So what was good about that?” And what’s fun is that now she’s catching herself in the middle of her complaints and turning toward positive aspects. Those gentle nudges and redirects can have a powerful impact over time!
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:37 am
LOL. One of MY mother’s favorite words was “horrible,” too. Like you and Tim, I found ways to laugh about it.
When my mom, daughter, and I first moved to Florida, we had our first encounters with tiny lizards crawling around on the windows and sometimes sneaking into the house. My daughter and I would say, “Oh, aren’t they just adorable?” and my mom would always reply, “NO, they’re not adorable! They’re horrible!” Well, at least it rhymed. Haha.
Karen Williams´s last blog ..What About Guilt
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:43 am
Funny, Karen! You have inspired me to share another mother story. My hair, which in the last few years I’ve mostly kept about chin length, has grown to shoulder length because I’m not spending money on hair cuts. So to have some fun, I’ve been wearing my hair in all sorts of funky pig tails and pony tails and braids. Nothing symmetrical or mainstream–just sprouts of hair here and there. The first time my mother saw one of my creations, which had 2 pig tails on one side, one of which was braided, and one on the other, her mouth literally dropped open. I think she stopped breathing for a few seconds. I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “I’m having fun, Mom,” I said … as if I need to explain myself to her. She said, “You’re not going out today are you?” LOL
August 2nd, 2010 at 2:41 pm
LOL, Ande!!! Oh my, we could go on and on with our anecdotes!
My mom always believed that no woman over 25 should wear long hair, and I used to try to comply with her wishes to some extent. Now that she’s made her transition, I wear long hair, mainly because Mark prefers it. But I sometimes remind him that my mom is turning over and over and over in her grave due to my long hair. Haha.
My mom “couldn’t stand” Kelly Ripa on the show “Regis & Kelly,” because she had long hair that she was always “flipping around.” My mom used to say, “She thinks she’s so cute with that long hair, and it just looks HORRIBLE!”
I can so imagine the scenario of your mom’s jaw-dropping reaction to your fun styles these days.
Karen Williams´s last blog ..What About Guilt