Your Tale Affects Your Tail
In Complaint Free Relationships, which I read last weekend, Will Bowen references narrative psychology, a field built on the belief that the stories we tell about ourselves shape our identities and ultimately our lives. I hadn’t thought about narrative psychology in years, but I learned about it in college (I majored I psychology).
The idea is that we take the experiences we have in our lives, and we create a narrative around them, a story that connects the experiences and attaches meaning to them. It’s a sort of connect the dots thing we do to hook random events together to create “truth” where none really exists.
Once we create our story, we look for experiences to reinforce our story. We also filter new experiences through that story.
I mentioned in the post, Throwing Away The Drill, that for much of my life, my story was “I’m not good enough.” My story was more complicated than that, obviously. It had a lot of subplots about who I am as a wife, a friend, a writer, a dog mom, etc. But that was the theme of my story.
That’s not my story anymore, but my new one isn’t a whole lot better. And I wasn’t even aware of this lousy story until I saw that passage about narrative psychology. Then the title of my narrative flashed across the wide screen of my mind, with nice bright graphics behind it: “I Have Succeeded At Anything In Years.” Can’t you just hear the dirge-like, heavy musical score with lots of slow oboe and tuba action in it that goes behind that title. Maybe some nice screechy violins too.
When you have a narrative like this, you create a cast of characters for it. These are the qualities and feelings that you that you associate with your story. Here’s part of the cast that’s been starring in my story:
- Failure (Big hairy dude with bad teeth)
- Disappointed (Sniveling petite woman who blinks a lot)
- Frustrated (Freckled kid who chews on her nails)
- Doubtful (Old woman with a perpetual frown who carries mace in her huge old purse)
- Angry (Big, big, big woman who eats Hostess cupcakes all day and growls like a dog)
- Lousy Marketer (Weasel-like bald guy who corners people in elevators to sell them vitamins)
- Worn Out (Thin woman with stringy hair and narcolepsy)
- Terrified (Shrill blonde with red lipstick who’s constantly looking over her shoulder)
I could go on, but you get the idea.
Is it any wonder I’ve not been getting what I want lately? How can I with a story like that?
The law of attraction responds to how we feel now, not how we want to feel. When you have a lousy tale, you don’t feel good enough to wag your tail. If you’re not wagging your tail, you’re not attracting things you want.
If we want new experiences, we need to tell a new story.
So here’s my new story (inspired by one of Tim’s favorite slang words):
“Ande ROCKS!!”
It sure makes ME feel good.
Here’s my new cast of characters (I won’t bother to describe them—they’re all vibrant, beautiful (in their own way), funky, and fun):
- Amazing
- Enthusiastic
- Ecstatic
- Radiant
- Energetic
- Fascinating
- Wise
- Funny
- Rare
- Insightful
- Brilliant
- Creative
- Blessed
- Blissful
- Charming
- Pioneering
- Joyful
- Kind
- Inspirational
- Intentional
- Loving
- Appreciative
and several more; but the star of the show is ……..
- HAPPY
And the new music for my story? Here you go:
Fast Tube by Casper
And the graphic? How about this?
I’ve started living from this story instead of the dark one I’ve been telling myself for months. When you live from a story, you look at your experiences from the perspective of this story.
So whatever happens to me, I have to filter it through “Ande ROCKS!” and my cast of characters. This forces me to put a whole different spin on my experiences.
What about you?
What’s your story?
Who stars in it?
How does it affect your life?
Got a great story? Tell me.
To leave a comment, click on the “comments” link (it will say “No comments or “1 comment” or more) at the end of the tags in “Posted in” at the end of this post.
March 28th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Your post is so incredible! I have learned to affect the behavior of my wife from seeing her in a different light in my mind and I have affected my job and my money situation and even my customers from seeing them in a different light in my mind but How come I haven’t pictures myself in a different light? I so agree with your premise about how we take the experiences in our life and create a narrative around them and develop a story that connects the experiences and attaches meaning to them.
The most important part of your premise is that after we create the story, we look for experiences to reinforce our story. We also filter new experiences through that story. I guess if I had to come up with a theme or story to my life growing up as a child it would be “This is not Fair”. Yep, that would be it. I grew up in a bad neighborhood, my parents basically fought, every single day of my life. Many times physically. When I say they fought all the time I am not using a universal, I mean they fought everyday of every week of every month of every year since I was alive up until the day they died. Sometimes one argument about one issue would go on non stop for 14 days. they would stop to sleep 5 to 6 hours but then its back to the kitchen table sitting eye to eye and arguing and hitting each other. Many times no meal because of it. We would eat fruit off the trees in the back yard. It was hell.
In many ways I believed that it made me stronger than the normal person and much more able to handle things. But the main theme would always be, Its not fair. I was always in some competition to show people that I was worthy of their love. I won the one on one basketball championship at my jr high. I was the captain and quarterback of my pop warner football team and my high school football team. I played tennis and basketball in high school as well. I was always on the first place team and was excelling in some sport. I realize now it was to show my worthiness. If I cant get love, I will get respect. And that I did. Seemed like I was always in a competition where in my mind, everyone went to the starting line and right before the start of the race, the referees would tell me to go back and start on a line that was 30 feet behind everyone. No one seemed to notice that I had to start 30 feet behind and that it wasn’t fair. I would still normally win the race or maybe once in a while come in a close second but when that happened, everyone congratulated the winner and no one said that I would have won if it would have been fair and equal at the start….. This is definitely the major theme of my existence. When I started my plastics career, I got the territory that the people ahead of me didnt want. Everyone said that it was the worst and that all of the companies had moved out. I was number one in sales but it took twice as much effort and twice the time on the road. I had to drive 50 miles just to get into my territory while the other salesman lived in their territories. Just wasnt fair. I finally realized what I was doing about four years ago when i read in the Bible Mat 13:12. To him who has, more shall be given, to him who has not, even that which he has shall be taken away… Greg T paraphrase, To him who waves the flag that life is great and getting better, more reasons to feel that way shall be given to him. To him who feels that life isnt fair, To him, will be given more reasons for life not being fair. simple as that.
So, I guess I was partly if not 100% responsible for making my life seem so unfair. I wish I had known that earlier in my life, but hey, at least I know it now.
I guess Im going to need some time to think about the new theme for my life. I know it involves the word, “Thrive”. I love that word. Thanks again for such a great post Ande.
March 28th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
And thanks for your great story, Greg. You just provided a perfect illustration of how it works. We tell the story and look for evidence to support it and the law of attraction eve so helpfully brings that evidence to us. And then we say, “Ha! See? I TOLD you that was my story.” And law of attraction brings more of it.
I can actually feel the shift in my energy since I decided my new story was “Ande Rocks!” and I’m having fun looking for evidence of it.
I’m looking forward to hearing about title you decide on for your new story.
March 28th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Genesis 41:52
God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering…
March 28th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Well, If I had to think about what my story has been lately, it would have to be called, “Who stole my identity”? I just feel like the Greg T that I knew is completely gone. Greg T of old was a go getter, made a huge amount of money, didnt let anything stop him, went after what he wanted and normally attained it. Confident, Maybe too confident and thought he had the world by the tale. I used to sing that song, Lord its so hard to be humble…. Well, Humble is the word of the day at my house. These last 2.5 years have been humbling. They have also been rewarding. I am coming out of my funk each day and I feel myself getting strong. When I started yoga a year ago I tried to bend over and could barely get my hands past my knees. Now I almost put my palm on the floor!… When I started doing push ups I could do about 4 without stopping. Now I can do about 30. I used to take everything for granted. Especially little things. Now, I appreciate everything. I mean everything. I spend more time in prayer, actually my prayer life has totally changed. I read in the bible that when you come before God, make your words few. So now, instead of a monologue, I say a few words but spend the rest of the time visualizing and feeling now how I would then. I know that Jesus said, When you pray, believe that you have received and you shall have what you pray for. I understand what that means now. I understand when it says, the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. Rom 4:17. I feel like He wants me to do the same.
Yes, I want my new story to say, Greg is Favored! I like the way that sounds. I know that in 2 cor 9:8 it says, “And God is able to make all FAVOR abound to you, that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an Abundance for every good deed.” Blessed so that I can be a blessing to others. THAT is the new Greg T. I know that God has already lined up the solutions for every problem I will ever have. He has already lined up the people, the breaks, the finances, the opportunity, the wisdom, the ideas. I dont have to live life worried, I dont have to go around frustrated because its not happening as fast as I like. I am coming back to a place of peace, and I will stay at rest knowing its on its way.
March 28th, 2010 at 11:01 pm
Greg is Favored! I like it. Much better than It’s Not Fair.
I want to join you in this place of peace and knowing. I’m there sometimes and planning on visiting much more often. 
March 29th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
You DO rock!
March 29th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
March 29th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Great post and comments. Very uplifting indeed. Yes, Ande rocks and Greg is favored indeed!
My story was probably “Try really, really hard and you’ll go really, really far.” But it didn’t turn out that way. So now I have a new story and a new approach, thanks to those “old dead guys.”
You guys would probably enjoy Andy Dooley’s website, if you’re not familiar with it. Like Ande, he asserts that he rocks. He’s so fun and funny. http://www.andydooley.com
March 29th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Yes, you must have a new story, Karen, because I know you are too busy enjoying life and sharing your wisdom to be trying really, really hard. And yet look how far you go anyway…..
September 10th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
[...] few days later, in response to my The Secret Is Wags post, Your Tale Affects Your Tail, Greg wrote to me about his decision to change his story from “It’s not fair” to “Greg is [...]